Tuesday, January 18
every now and then i fall apart..
footsteps pounding the floor behind me, and your voice calling my name. my heart catches in my throat and i turn, barely believing my eyes. sometimes when you long hard enough, you can fool yourself. but you come closer and say my name again.. and i know that it's really you.. after so long.. it really is you, standing before me, all wide eyed and glowing.. and i also know that i'm not the one making you look so radiant. i force commonplace words out, as if nothing is happening to me.. blood rushing through my veins.. a strange tingling in my ears.. i gaze at your face, its perfection.. and i watch you walk away from me, the way i walked away once.. it seems so long ago, everyone and everything else has either moved on or changed.. but there will always be a place in my heart for you that no one can ever replace.. and i don't know what to do.
school is okay. i prefer tutorials to lectures although econs tutorials freak me out somewhat cos i'm never sure of my answers so i sit there praying she doesn't call me. i actually enjoy history.. maybe because it's all fresh information to me.. lit rocks, period. math.. i wish i had the brains of the rest of my family! sigh. i wonder if i'm my parents' child. i'm nothing like them, except maybe my mother's quick temper and their sarcasm. interest wise, i could have been born on the moon.
the song is still ringing in my head. i'm trying not to cry. children's laughter ringing in the air, their squeals echoing endlessly through time. what am i, that i should even pause to contemplate my own fate? what am i, that i should even care.. about you, about the past, about what will never be?
i sound like the saddest person on earth. i reach my hands out to catch manna, but it falls through my fingers unto the ground, crushed beneath someone's careless foot. crushed. ruined. forever. how am i to live?
ask me no questions and i'll tell you no lies.
it must've been love.
5:46 pm
xoxo
